Useful phrases, or when ‘Just browsing, thanks’ won’t do – chappellmccullar.com

Attending a function yesterday with a number of dealer colleagues, I was surprised, as I always am, pleasantly so, to find a few who read my blog, including that entry of a couple days ago. One gent in particular- a fair minded, easy going fellow who, although some years younger than me but with a considerably longer tenure in the art and antiques trade- commented on the relationship aspect of our business, underlining its importance in the success of any gallery. Somewhat moderating his ardent commitment to clients was, a few hours prior to our speaking, a phone discussion of some duration with what he with some charity described as an ‘erstwhile’ client- in this case, a gentleman who phones him every week or two to inquire about pieces in inventory, but, according to our colleague, has never, ever made a purchase.

Mind you, we all have these sorts of people who float within our ambit, and Keith and I make our best effort to be kind and treat graciously anyone who crosses the threshold. Are we always successful? Well, frankly no, but the occurrences of real acrimony are infrequent enough that we can recall each instance in some detail. What’s more frequent are those people who are the one-time visitor who seek to give the impression of being a punter, but are not and never will be. When we discussed this with our colleague, we quickly came up with stock phrases used by pseudo buyers who, as far as we can tell, never buy anything from anybody.

I have to tell you, all these standard responses are for us prefaced by the standard query we invariably pose to the first-time gallery visitor, to wit ‘Are you looking for anything in particular?’ We ask this, of course, to engage and also to inform that not everything in stock is on the sales floor. Moreover, it is a rarity that, for the honest to goodness, serious browser we aren’t able to either source something we don’t happen to have, or point the requesting party in the direction of a dealer who might be able to assist. Very much separate and distinct from the browser, though, is the pseudo buyer who one may not know on sight, but when their mouths open and words emerge, these, then, are some responses that, in our experience, have in their turn a standardized secondary meaning that says, in more succinct terms, ‘no sale’:

‘We’re looking for lots of things.’ Always a puzzle this, as, frankly, we have lots of things in inventory, and can put our hands on lots and lots more. But when I have, with as much cordiality as possible, provided some kind of rejoinder making this fact manifest, I usually get a vague ‘Oh?’ in reply. Sometimes, though, I get this response:

‘We’ll know it when we see it.’ Of course. As well as a secondary response, this well-worn statement runs just behind ‘lots of things’, making it a popular primary response as well. But help me out here, Mr. and Mrs. Punter- when you do see it, will it resemble a table? A chair? An iron lung? This, of course, begs the next most common response:

‘We’re always looking for the unusual.’ Well, me, too, but possibly those who say this are looking for something I would consider as somewhat beyond the pale. That may actually be the case, as ‘unusual’ is always said rather archly, in the way that English barbers of an earlier generation used to inquire of their customers ‘Something for the weekend, sir?’ by way of euphemistically inquiring whether a French letter, as well as short back and sides, was required. We never know what’s precisely meant by ‘unusual’, but we’ve often assumed that we’re expected to pull something from under the counter that is more than marginally risqué. I noted that in the sale of the contents of Malcolm Forbes’ home in London, several pieces of Queen Victoria’s underclothes were on offer. I hope we aren’t meant to have that kind of thing around. Fortunately, San Francisco is well provided with stores that sell adult novelties, so we always have something near at hand to suggest as a shopping venue for what we might call fun seekers.

Copyright © 2011 Michael James Chappell, Chappell & McCullar

Jean-Baptiste Armand Guillaumin

(1841–1927) Paysage de l’Île de France, Les Meules – Oil on canvas -13 ½ x 22 inches – Signed Guillaumin (lower left)

Provenance: Private collection, France